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| Sunday Service in a Ghanaian Church |
So today is Sunday... Abeg wait!
Before you start, remember that as usual this piece is highly satirical, devoid of mischief. I intend not to mock Christianity. I just want to say things that happen in our Ghanaian churches. Me self I be serious Christian. Infact I go Bible school before so make you no take am personal. You barb? Ok fine, read on. And as usual help me forward. *winks*
Like a reflex, 98% of Ghanaian Christians wake up on early Sunday mornings and do everything possible to be in Church.
Today, I followed the trend. This is what happens in a normal Ghanaian church.
In Ghanaian Churches everything is peaceful, holy, spiritual and sometimes very emotional. From the beginning of the service to the end. (I don’t know who services who, the pastor or the members but it is still a service.)
The service starts with usually worship followed by praises. During that moment, you see women singing, dancing, shouting, crying. Most try to showcase their pretty attires and body curves… Of course! It is not done intentionally. They get carried away by the spirit.
The men on their part stand idle during praises. Maybe in an attempt to showcase their gentility and their manly composure. You should have seen today’s Gentle Jack yesterday at Aphrodisiac nightclub. The way he was dancing and grinding that slim lady. Today he is gentle. Barely moving his legs as he claps gently to the music tune. Every 2 minutes, he takes his white "hanky" out to wipe his dry face.
The more dedicated and committed men dance energetically in an attempt to join the women in their spiritual quest.
(Today I didn’t dance. I hate to sweat. Also, I am in my new Giorgio Armani suit. I cannot afford to sweat in it. It will stink later.)
This cacophony continues till its time for offering. Offering to the pastor or the church we don’t know but its good to give and Ghanaians are very good at giving one cedi. That red paper is always in abundance in our offering bowls. We can use five cedis to buy condoms but not as offering. We just need to give to God and for that purpose, we give. We give not because we want to give but because its a tradition to give. We need not understand the reasons for giving but we give. What we give does not matter. God just wants us to give and we give him. After all he does not need our money. Personally I give more. *smiles*
The more faithful ones like me go the extra mile to pay our tithes. After all 10% of our income ain’t anything, we will pay even though we don’t know where the money is going. Malachi 3:10 must be obeyed at all cost.
Then the pastor steps up to preach. Every corner turns mute to listen. After 15 minutes of preaching, one can observe some closed eyes and unintentionally opened mouths.
Some members are asleep.
These ones I dare to believe are those who got exhausted after their earlier gymnastics during the praise time and parties they attended Saturday night. Some are also tired because they had too much sex the night before. The devil makes them fall asleep. Others are physically present but absent minded. Others are still on whatsapp, chatting with friends, others on facebook and social media doing the do. A few minority remains focused and cheers the orator on as he deploys his scriptural expertise to the admiring crowd.
Most of them don’t know how to use their Bibles but you can’t go to church without one. People might see you someway. The more fortunate ones who have Bibles on their phones and tablets appear to be smarter and knowledgeable so they keenly follow the pastor as he sermons them.
When preaching is done, the pastor pauses to ask who wants to give his life to Christ. He asks them to raise their hands and step forward for a special prayer.
Then Brother Michael, who stepped forward last week and last two weeks just like the previous weeks stands up again. As for him, he is a usual customer. I wonder the kind of sins he engages in. One day I will ask him why he does that. Maybe he thinks it’s a subscription you need to renew weekly. He then falls as soon as hands are laid on him.
(Trust me, if a Ghanaian pastor prays for you and you don’t fall, you are not delivered. You are possessed by a billion demons.)
Afterwards, Bro.Mike resumes his seat a holy man. Next week he will come and renew his holiness.
Then the pastor starts blessing the congregation. The Holy Spirit reveals him things about Sister ABENA who is barren. He says sister ABENA will have her own baby next year. But I remember he told her the same thing last two years. What happened to those prophecies? I think Sister Abena’s faith is small. She is not a believer. Oh the pastor just said it! She didn’t sow a seed to make the prophecy germinate and become reality.
We then proceed with our blessings transfer and we share the grace. Afterwards, we...
-Pause.
I want to say much but I am talking too much. In Ghana just like many African churches, going to church is now more of a routine. Most people go because if you don’t go, people will regard you as devilish and unholy. Your family members go,so you have to go.
The best thing to do is to follow suite. After all, no one sees our sins. Even Sister Mary, my next door neighbor who was sodomised last night by her boyfriend and shouted Jesus a thousand times when she reached orgasm is here praying in tongues. How much more me who just stole money from my roommate to buy some "booze" last night? Her sins are bigger than mine. After all, fornication is badder than any other sin.
If you don’t go to church, don’t worry, those we sinned with last night have momentarily paused sinning because of church service. Maybe tonight or latest by Monday morning, we will all resume sinning together. For now let’s try and remain holy. Its still Sunday morning.
By Gilles Evrard Essuman,
Sinfully Yours.
The content of this article is purely the opinion of the writer and not that of UCCTALKS.com
You can send your stories or articles for publication on UCCTALKS.com; send an email to writing@ucctalks.com
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